Raging Hormones Theme Park

(From the upcoming novel “Shark Fin Soup” by Fred Barnett)

Raging Hormones Theme Park Opens in Sea Lion Point Beach 

July 4th, 2012

Raging Hormones Teen Park is the darling of a new breed of Hollywood Brat Packers, led by bad-boy actor Charlie Lohan, whose dream was to open an amusement park for teens only. The park’s board of directors included a dozen other active “teen” actors, who ages are now pushing 30, 40, and even 50-years-old. These stars, as a genuine public service, kindly offer collagen puffy lips, knee pads and the promise of lucrative film careers to poverty-stricken teen girls and and a few select boys in the L.A. area. 

Originally, the park was named “Big Wave Dave’s Adventure Park.” 

The L.A.P.D. were the first ones to call it “ Raging Hormones Teen Park." Big Wave Dave, the owner, loved the label and happily removed his own name from the big Marquee. “Dave” was actually a Saudi Prince named Mahmood who hobnobbed, financed and raked in billions of dollars from  the gross-out comedies and slasher movies that are still so popular among the young.

At the entrance of Raging Hormones, customers are greeted by the park’s mascot, Snappy the Humerus “The Shirtless Skateboarding Cool Guy.”

Once inside the park, kids can visit such attractions as: the “Heavy Petting Zoo”, the “Land of Breaking Stuff,” the “Immortality Bumper Cars”, the “Rubbermaid Twisted Spine Coaster” or the “Body Whomping Pool.” In 2013 three new attractions will be opening, including “No Visible Means of Support Land” “The Place to Yell ‘Woo! Woo! Woo!’” and the “Brainless Bike Ramp.”

Adventurous teens might attempt the “Wearing the Baseball cap-BILL FORWARD Thrill Ride,” “White Homey’s Safe-Ghetto Experience” in “Crackerland” or the “Big Hangout Bungee Jump.”

The “Land of Entitlement” is perhaps the most magical and popular destination of all for the young patrons of Raging Hormones Park. There, a teen can experience the parks most rewarding rides, such as “The Mrs. Robinson Encounter,” “Endless Minutes and Free Texting” and  “Daddy’s Car - A Joyride for Girlfriends.” “Let’s Play Chicken!”(for boys) is also next door to the “Virtual DUI Simulator Ride” (After a virtual crash and drunk driving arrest, a virtual Daddy, disheveled and dressed in his bathrobe, would invariably bail the kids out of the virtual jail, but not until they’d been housed for four hours in a virtual cell with virtual warring gang members and a holographic drooling pervert named Three-legged Pete for the most terrifying - yet, thrilling - night of their young virtual lives .)

There are two shopping/rest areas: “Hangin’ out at the Mall’ and “Shop-A-Rama.” Missy the Slutty Mall Rat and Ashley (Who can text two phones simultaneously with both hands while giving a tour) will guide girls through the endless stores where 5-finger discounts are encouraged and even  taught.  

Late night attractions at the mall feature the “Cop-a-Feel Exploratorium” (a sensory texture experience), “Youth-is-Wasted-on-the-Young Drive-in Theater,” and of course the “Stay-Up-All-Night-Just-Because Exhaustion Rave.” 

The game arcade, near the mall exit includes the “Bra clasp challenge” and the “Pantyhose Tug - Test of Strength” as well as the “Belcharama Daily Burping Competition,” “Cat Fight!,” “Your-chance-to Dump the Handsome Boyfriend Experience,” “ The Ugly Tattoo Parlour” and the colorful “Acne-Ball - Slime Popping Gallery” (the official home of the Fast Food Worker’s Join-the-Team Challenge).  “Fool The Liquor Clerk / Make-Your-Own I.D.Arts and Crafts Booth” can be found next to the “Older Brothers Booze and Cigarette Run” and the notorious “DUI Virtual Simulator Ride.”

Concerts at the Cool-a-Rama Theater feature some of the nations hottest bands every weekend.

The park closes at 3 a.m. After many harrowing experiences, the kids will arrive home, hopefully as more mature young men and women. 

Normally, teens leave the park wasted, pregnant, transgendered, or all three. 

Though — usually alive.

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It Smells Like a Teen Who’s Now a Spirit 

On Sunday morning, June 3rd, at 6 a.m. the sun was just beginning to peak over the California Rockies. A crowd of teenagers and police were gathered around the “Virtual DUI Simulator” ride in the “Land of Entitlement”. 

T.K. and Frank were already at the scene.

The headless torso of a gifted eighteen-year-old student named Mark Schweighaft, who had gained popularity at Bill Gates High School by eating spiders ... (To be continued).