My band 'Charity' was the opening act at the Newport '69 rock festival in June of 1969 in the San Fernando Valley in LA County. We met Jimi Hendrix and then, all hell broke loose.
Wednesday, April 24, 2024
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Moving all new posts to http://www.freddybarnett.wordpress.com
Moving all of my new blog posts to
http://www.freddybarnett.wordpress.com
Please visit me there.....
http://www.freddybarnett.wordpress.com
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Chapter 1: The Borgo Pass (From Crone by Fred Barnett)
Chapter 1: The Borgo Pass
(From Crone by Fred Barnett)
I feel so ‘willowy’ today, the girl was thinking. I’m young, blonde, thin and springtime fresh! (She wasn’t that young.) I love how my fine long hair blows in the breeze as I pick flowers on my way toward my favorite spot on the hill overlooking the City. Oh look! There sits a handsome minstrel!”
She approached the young man.
“Hi.You sound just like James Taylor” said The Willowy One.
“Alas! Fair maiden! You look just like Gwyneth Paltrow. All ‘willowy’ an’ shit.” Said the smooth shirtless easy-going and cool guy who was playing a James Taylor song called “Laid Back and Cool” on his guitar beneath an oak tree.
“My name is Mina, Mina Rosenblatt.” Said the thirty-something-year-old-blond. “Someday I will be a Princess! You, my handsome thirty-something year old boy look a little like James Taylor.” Said the faux Paltrow.
“Aye, my Princess, my name is Johnny, short for Jonathan. My father was Jonathan Tepes. He was a famous musician from Eastern Europe, ‘cept he’s bald and old. I’m lanky and young and cool without a care in the world. You, my dear, look extra willowy to me.
“I am willowy. You could blow me away with a fart.”
“Dear maiden, I hope that you don’t mind that I haven’t bathed in a week or washed my underwear in a month. I’ve been living off of the land, our Mother Earth.”
“ Das Vaterland.” Mina whispered to the flower in her hand.“‘Once again the songs of the fatherland roared to the heavens along the endless marching columns’.”
“Who said that?” said Johnny.
“Hitler.”
“He was a vegetarian. Are you a vegetarian?”
“Mostly. I don’t eat much. If I farted I might ...”
“...Blow yourself away. I mean, do you eat any meat at all, Fair One?
“I once ate my own placenta. My Guru suggested it. His name was Clem Choudhury. He looked just like his brother, Bikram Choudhury. He said that placenta are good for the complexion.”
“Placentae.”
“What?”
“Sorry, the Latin plural for placenta is placentae. I study language and teach Elizabethan literature. Can I be your Prince, fair ... Oh. Hmmm, I guess that you’re not a maiden. Where would you like to rule, My Lady?”
“My ancestors came from Hungary. Before I was adopted by the Rosenblatts, my last name was Bathory.
“Wow! My family is also from Romania. I’ll go there someday. My grandmother needs me to find my grandfather who had been robbed and is probably dead.”
______________________
Two weekend bikers broke the silence of the Sunday afternoon as they approached the hill on a thundering Harley.
“You look like a Salvador Dali painting.” Said the make-believe James Taylor to the weekend biker mama, a sixty-year-old monstrosity with sagging tattoos.
“Huh? Did you hear what this motherfucker said to me, Chester?”
“You skinny prick. If I wasn’t just a huge sloppy overweight outafuckinshape stock broker with a bad ticker, I’d stomp your sorry ass, punk. Nobody talks to my fuckin’ bitch like that.”
“Hey! I was just admiring her artwork, man.”
“Fuckin’ punk.”
“He’s gonna be a Prince and I’m gonna be his Princess someday.”
“Oh reeeeally? You two look the part now. Take my advice, ya better do it while you’re all willowy an shit, lady. That goes for you too, granola breath.”
One Year Later:
Jonathan Harker's, taxi rolled on deep into the Carpathian Mountains. His paid business was to find Karoly Tepes, the lost husband of his grandmother and patron, the wealthy old crone, Piroska Tepes. He was also to recover the money from the sale of their estate near Bram Castle. Jonathan was instructed to contact the only member of the family still living in Romania, Vlad Tepes, a true Prince, who lived in Poenari Castle beyond Transylvania’s Borgo Pass.
Die Fledermaus (The Bat), an operetta composed by Johann Strauss played jauntily on the Taxi’s radio as the driver tapped the beat on the steering wheel.
The evening's thunder clouds began to settle for the night. Ridges of towering cliffs bookmarked by waterfalls began unfolding before the car's windshield. The monumental pages of the old Carpathian Mountains, ghostly white and empty, were wide open in expectation of a new chapter. Young Jonathan Harker III decided that he needed to write Mina. Oh, how he missed her.
The Elizabethan Literature teacher picked up his copy of Great Love Letters, for inspiration, and read the tragic war correspondence between Huthbert and Mallomarie:
Dearest M,
The artillery has stopped momentarily. As I lie awake in my muddy foxhole beneath the night sky of Ghoolkhamish — Alas, my angel, I can only think of you.
When I come home, my dearest, though it may be five years from this day, I promise we shall marry. Your father hates me, I know, as does your dog ( a part of whose jaw is still attached to my buttock).
Despite what your husband thinks, I know that we can make this marriage work. Though I lost half my face, my manhood and a nipple in the bloody trenches of Dyfthphedif, I promise that the cottage that I have purchased will be a happy one, surrounded by the warm laughter of children, or - at the very least - very immature adults.
I was distressed to find that your last correspondence had a small piece of your lung stuck to it, Sweetheart. Please hang on to God’s precious gift of life until I can limp to your side.
Your precious letters warm my heart, Darling. I smell your perfume and, with a shield between my mouth and the envelope, kiss the lipstick on the seal before I dream my happy dreams every night.
With my good arm, I long to hug you and keep you warm, even when you cough (Though, alas, I regret, there will be no deep intertwining of tongues).
All my love,
Yours forever — Huthbert
Poenari Castle's broken silhouette passed hundreds of feet above Harker, framed by the rising moon and the black branches reaching out in ...velcome.
Harker peered through the glass, breathless. The rain, thick as plasma, began to block his view from the Taxi.
"Is my passenger still ...alive?" thought the driver. He turned his head back toward the passenger: "Are you there ...Sir? Let it be known, young Sir, that breathing can attract a variety of ...undesirables."
A loud long exhalation was finally heard from the back seat.
"Look! We're almost home, ...Mr. Harker!"
In the Prince's hemorrhaging neck of the woods, breathing was regarded as overrated.
_________
Five Hundred miles to the West
Mina had reached the end of the long road leading up to Csejthe Castle. She had fallen for one of Countess Elizabeth Bathory’s oldest tricks. A trail of Whole Foods coupons, -hippie bait - led the all-willowy-an’-shit blonde straight to The Bloody Countess’ front door.
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
cRoNe (a work in regress)
TWEETS from my new love story Vlad Tepes (of impalement fame) and Elizabeth (Lizzie) Bathory (of blood bath fame) defend their homeland against their ex-munchies the blood filled, mean spirited Giborunes...
“The figure hanging upside down at the top of the great hall had ‘f’n had it’ with the corpulent little blood dumplings!”
“Because it was not politically correct to raise people, no matter how repulsive they were, for food anymore.”
“..punch them down upon the pikes like a coconut & direct some of the blood into a smaller trestle toward the dining room in the grand hall”
“Raised in tiny little cages for 8 centuries until A. Hitler, a f’n vegetarian, called my Giborune farms “inhumane! The lightweight!”
“I am the Countess. My name is pronounced Bat -tory.”
“Bat-tory? Well then, is there a Master of the castle? A Master Bat-tory (snicker snicker)”
“Shooting flames from her crotch Lizzie used to BBQ Burghers for “cook outs,” while flipping the Tutonics with her bare feet.”
@barnett_fred twitter
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Raging Hormones Theme Park
(From the upcoming novel “Shark Fin Soup” by Fred Barnett)
Raging Hormones Theme Park Opens in Sea Lion Point Beach
July 4th, 2012
Raging Hormones Teen Park is the darling of a new breed of Hollywood Brat Packers, led by bad-boy actor Charlie Lohan, whose dream was to open an amusement park for teens only. The park’s board of directors included a dozen other active “teen” actors, who ages are now pushing 30, 40, and even 50-years-old. These stars, as a genuine public service, kindly offer collagen puffy lips, knee pads and the promise of lucrative film careers to poverty-stricken teen girls and and a few select boys in the L.A. area.
Originally, the park was named “Big Wave Dave’s Adventure Park.”
The L.A.P.D. were the first ones to call it “ Raging Hormones Teen Park." Big Wave Dave, the owner, loved the label and happily removed his own name from the big Marquee. “Dave” was actually a Saudi Prince named Mahmood who hobnobbed, financed and raked in billions of dollars from the gross-out comedies and slasher movies that are still so popular among the young.
At the entrance of Raging Hormones, customers are greeted by the park’s mascot, Snappy the Humerus “The Shirtless Skateboarding Cool Guy.”
Once inside the park, kids can visit such attractions as: the “Heavy Petting Zoo”, the “Land of Breaking Stuff,” the “Immortality Bumper Cars”, the “Rubbermaid Twisted Spine Coaster” or the “Body Whomping Pool.” In 2013 three new attractions will be opening, including “No Visible Means of Support Land” “The Place to Yell ‘Woo! Woo! Woo!’” and the “Brainless Bike Ramp.”
Adventurous teens might attempt the “Wearing the Baseball cap-BILL FORWARD Thrill Ride,” “White Homey’s Safe-Ghetto Experience” in “Crackerland” or the “Big Hangout Bungee Jump.”
The “Land of Entitlement” is perhaps the most magical and popular destination of all for the young patrons of Raging Hormones Park. There, a teen can experience the parks most rewarding rides, such as “The Mrs. Robinson Encounter,” “Endless Minutes and Free Texting” and “Daddy’s Car - A Joyride for Girlfriends.” “Let’s Play Chicken!”(for boys) is also next door to the “Virtual DUI Simulator Ride” (After a virtual crash and drunk driving arrest, a virtual Daddy, disheveled and dressed in his bathrobe, would invariably bail the kids out of the virtual jail, but not until they’d been housed for four hours in a virtual cell with virtual warring gang members and a holographic drooling pervert named Three-legged Pete for the most terrifying - yet, thrilling - night of their young virtual lives .)
There are two shopping/rest areas: “Hangin’ out at the Mall’ and “Shop-A-Rama.” Missy the Slutty Mall Rat and Ashley (Who can text two phones simultaneously with both hands while giving a tour) will guide girls through the endless stores where 5-finger discounts are encouraged and even taught.
Late night attractions at the mall feature the “Cop-a-Feel Exploratorium” (a sensory texture experience), “Youth-is-Wasted-on-the-Young Drive-in Theater,” and of course the “Stay-Up-All-Night-Just-Because Exhaustion Rave.”
The game arcade, near the mall exit includes the “Bra clasp challenge” and the “Pantyhose Tug - Test of Strength” as well as the “Belcharama Daily Burping Competition,” “Cat Fight!,” “Your-chance-to Dump the Handsome Boyfriend Experience,” “ The Ugly Tattoo Parlour” and the colorful “Acne-Ball - Slime Popping Gallery” (the official home of the Fast Food Worker’s Join-the-Team Challenge). “Fool The Liquor Clerk / Make-Your-Own I.D.Arts and Crafts Booth” can be found next to the “Older Brothers Booze and Cigarette Run” and the notorious “DUI Virtual Simulator Ride.”
Concerts at the Cool-a-Rama Theater feature some of the nations hottest bands every weekend.
The park closes at 3 a.m. After many harrowing experiences, the kids will arrive home, hopefully as more mature young men and women.
Normally, teens leave the park wasted, pregnant, transgendered, or all three.
Though — usually alive.
__________________________________________________________________
It Smells Like a Teen Who’s Now a Spirit
On Sunday morning, June 3rd, at 6 a.m. the sun was just beginning to peak over the California Rockies. A crowd of teenagers and police were gathered around the “Virtual DUI Simulator” ride in the “Land of Entitlement”.
T.K. and Frank were already at the scene.
The headless torso of a gifted eighteen-year-old student named Mark Schweighaft, who had gained popularity at Bill Gates High School by eating spiders ... (To be continued).
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