Farmer Joe Caperton Vs. the Aliens from Planet Brill
(An excerpt from Rock Invasion by Freddy Barnett - due out sometime this century.)
One starlit summer night, Joe had pulled his Hudson over to the side of the road so that he could get a better view of the “suspicious mechanical thang” that was the size of his barn, sitting in the middle of his family’s forty acres. The “thang” looked, and lit up like a giant rooster-red juke box.
Joe didn’t bother to investigate. He just went with his basic redneck instinct to goddam shoot something.
Buddy, the lyrical alien, plucked Farmer Joe off of the field with his new ACME “alien sized” Auto-Suc vacuum tube, and dropped the old man inside of the Brill space craft, which had just been painted and christened the “Lollipop.”
The normally calm, hard working Buddy cried out: “Look what Colonel Cluck did to my cool Turtle-Wax job, Ada! I mean...the fuck!”
Buddy left it up to his normally cranky musical partner, Ada, to administer the standard universal alien anal probe to Mr. Caperton. Ada was thinking of using the Caperton farm’s rototiller.
Ada told the bumpkin, that in the Universal Intergalactic Guide Book for Idiots, the “anal probe” was listed as “a standard mechanism used to help nourish skinny Earthlings, who should eat more.”
“What are you going to do with that thing, you crazy Martian?”
Ada’s eyes narrowed. “Hey! Don’t get hacked off at us, plowboy! You started this clambake. We came from two hundred light years away to bring gifts to your big Palookaville-of-a-planet, and what do you do clodhoppers do to show your appreciation? I’ll tell you what you did, manure breath. You plugged our newly painted ship full of bullet holes! What were you thinking?”
Ada just could not but help to add: “Nobody fucks with Buddy’s candy-apple-red Earl Scheib paint job! You do NOT mess with our wheels, Cow pie!”
Buddy shoved farmer Joe against the console. “Here! Bend over, Turkey Neck. Do you hear Ada ringing the triangle? No? Well ...Come and get it, Farmer Joe! It’s dinner time!”
He lowered the six-foot-long probe from the ceiling and took careful aim at Caperton’s butt with the smoking ACME japaleno coated Jackhammer device.
The violation of Farmer Joe Caperton was meant to be a serious warning to the people of planet Earth from people of the planet Brill.
_____________
The torture idea fell flat. There was no pleading from Joe Caperton.
When the dumbfounded Ada reported back to the Goddess Cori, she said: “My Goddess! This idiot, this corn-holed chicken lover was diggin’ it! Instead of screaming for his mother, No! Most humans would be screaming for their great-great grandmother. Instead, this pea-brained hillbilly was movin’ and groovin’ on cloud nine.”
______
“Are you two done sticking things in me yet? Well, are Ya?”
Ada looked up from the probe’s console. “Are we what?”
“Are you done playin’ with my butt, lady?”
“I thought that I’d dropped my keys in there. Sorry. Yeah, Joe. We’re done. You can go soon.” Said Buddy.
“Are you two sure that you’re done? You don’t want to play with it no more?”
“Yes, Mr. Caperton. We’re done!” Said the already irritated, Ada.
“You don’t want to play just a little more? You sure? I can tell you guys all kinds a stuff about the Klan, bull semen and such.”
The tired Buddy looked at the dumb hick.“That’s it, you old loon! Get out! Somebody call security!”
“O.K.! O.K.! I’ll go! Damned Martians!”
Ada joined in: “We’re not Martians, numbskull! Martians are into sports, decorating ... and scouting. Not music! You heard the man! Go on! Split!”
Caperton put on his overalls and boots, walked bowlegged down the stairway of the ship and off into the star lit Texas night.
“Buddy? Do we have any security guards?”
“No, Ada, but I’ve learned one thing, that the mention of security guards is enough to scare anyone.”
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